It Wasn't Him
by weirdmixofsodapopanddallas
Summary: As crazy as this is coming from a Sandy hater of epic proportions, I'm going to give you her side of the story. (companion to The Time Of My Life) *one-shot*


_Author's note: Hi guys. Normally, I would never even consider trying to see this from Sandy's POV. She's a bitch, I've always hated her, and I always will. No question. But_ **scillio** _suggested I try and write something where Sandy's a little more human, so I gave it a shot. I doubt this will be one of my better pieces since I have such a hard time understanding what she did. Loyalty is just an ingrained quality in me, and the idea of doing that is just... unfathomable. But whatever. I gave it a try._

 **Disclaimer: The Outsiders is not mine, and this is probably gonna suck.**

 ** _It Wasn't Him_**

SANDY'S POV

Sodapop is everything to me. I don't care if my father says he's not good enough for me. I don't care if he wants me to aim above my 'current social status'. Honestly, I think it's the other way around. It's Sodapop I'm not good enough for. No one is. And somehow, amazingly, I get to call him mine.

It's another one of those nights when Soda can't come be with me. He spends every second with me that he feels like he can, but there's a lot of people for him to divide his time between. Me, Steve, Ponyboy, Darry, not to mention that he has to work. So, since I can't be with my boyfriend, I go down to Buck's with Evie.

Stupid, I know. Buck's isn't a great place. All that you can really do there is get drunk and have sex. But Evie wants to go since Steve can't hang out with her either, so we go together.

The last thing I remember is getting drunk. Evie took a bunch of her old man's paycheck (she's gonna catch it for that later) and she buys me drink after drink after drink. Everything's a bit of a blur after that.

I guess that brings us to this morning when I wake up in bed with a boy. At first, I think it's Soda. Then I look at him, and realize it's not. The events of last night come rushing back. The booze. The sexy boy I met at the bar. His invitation to come upstairs. My agreement. One night... Soda never has to know...

"Oh shit." I whisper. "What the hell did I do?"

"I think you did me." he mumbles drowsily. "And I'm pretty sure I'm a person. But thank you for makin' it sound like I'm a thing. Real good for a guy's self esteem."

"Shut up." I snap, getting out of the bed and pulling my clothes back on. "I shouldn't've done this. It's not fair to Soda."

That gets his attention. He actually sits up and looks at me. "Soda, as in Soda Curtis? The one that works at the DX?"

I nod. "He's my boyfriend."

"Shit, bitch." his sighs. "What the hell'd you go and get me involved in your guys's relationship for? I don't wanna get on Soda's bad side. The guy's dangerous when he's pissed."

I shake my head. "Don't worry about him comin' after you. He doesn't need to know." And with that, I leave.

I've never felt so guilty in my life. I can't believe I did this. Soda means everything to me, and I just cheated on him. He doesn't deserve that.

Problem is, I can tell by how I'm feeling that I enjoyed it. Not as much as being with Soda, but damn close. And that scares me.

I don't tell Soda. He doesn't need to know. But the next time he's busy when I'm not, I go and find the other guy again.

His name's Scott. He never gives me his last name. When I first show up, he's surprised, but when he realizes it's because my boyfriend can't be with me on a night I want to, he calls me selfish. Isn't Soda enough for me? he wants to know. He tells me to get out. I run as fast as I can. I can't believe I just did that. I gave in to the temptation. But I never go ask Scott for anything again. One slip, and one attempt. It was just a moment's weakness. Never again. I will never betray the boy I love above all others ever again.

I feel even guiltier the next time I see Soda, but I still don't tell him. I come dangerously close one day. I go see Soda at the DX, and he asks me if something's wrong. He can see in my eyes that I'm hiding something. I tell him everything's alright, and he leaves it alone. He's always trusted me and respected my privacy, and he doesn't see any reason to stop now.

Oh baby, I'm so sorry. Never ever again.

We're all human. We all make mistakes. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

Yeah, apparently I don't.

I start puking in the morning. I've got no idea why, I just do. Something's wrong. When it keeps going for a while, I call Soda and cancel our date. I don't wanna go out. I must be sick.

Then something hits me.

No. Hell, no.

I head to the free clinic. I don't wanna tell my mom what I'm going for, and it's one of the only places I can go.

The answer's exactly what I know it's gonna be, but hope to hell it won't be. I'm pregnant.

I sit in my bedroom for a long time, trying to decide what to do. Soda and I'll have to get married, I guess…

It can't be Sodapop's.

It's like a ton of bricks drops on my head. No, that can't be right. I think back to the last time I was with Soda, my horrible mistake with Scott that I'll probably never forgive myself for.. It doesn't time out right. This baby isn't Soda's. It's Scott's.

I slowly wander down to Buck's. Things aren't supposed to happen this way. I'm supposed to be able to keep my Sodapop. I'm supposed to have what I want for once in my life. Maybe I can't have enough money, but I should be able to have my boyfriend. Why can't I be having the baby of the boy I actually love?

You should hear Scott yell. He's a tough hood, and when a girl comes to him and tells him she's pregnant, he cusses her out and throws her on her ass into the street. Which is exactly what he does to me.

"Take care of it yourself." He snaps. "This was your damn mistake. You knew you were doin' somethin' wrong, you worthless, selfish whore. I can't believe I did this to Curtis. We're friends. And he's supposed to come before any chick. And I did his _**girl**_. You don't mess with somebody else's girl. I'm a piece of shit. And so're you."

I'm crying, and I hate it. "Scott, please-"

"Get lost."

So I do.

I go to see Soda at the DX. I ask him if we can talk in the back room. He can tell I've been crying, so he just silently leads me there. We sit down on some boxes.

"Sandy, what's wrong?" he asks gently.

"I'm pregnant." I whisper. I do not, however, tell him that it's not his. I can't lose Soda. I can't.

He doesn't question it. Just holds me and tells me he loves me and that we'll figure this out.

I don't go see Scott again. Soda drops hints about wanting to marry me around his family and friends, just waiting for somebody to pick up on it. Nobody does. I swear, they're all so damn stupid.

Three months. That's how long Soda believes I'm pregnant with his kid. Three months.

I'm starting to show. My parents notice. We have a blowout about it, them screaming and screaming, and finally deciding to send me to Florida to live with my grandmother. Dad grabs his shotgun and says he's going to kill Soda. So I tell him the truth, desperate to save the boy I love. I tell him I was cheating. I tell him it's another boy's baby. I beg him not to hurt Soda. I tell him I lied to Soda and've had him going for three months, thinking mine and this baby are his. I tell them _**everything**_.

Suddenly, all the sympathy in the house is for Soda. Doesn't seem to matter that they know Soda and I have gone for it before. All that matters is that Soda's the responsible one, willing to marry me and take care of me, loves me so much, lost his parents, has it bad enough as it is, and I cheated on him and lied to him. I'm a pariah in my own house. There's always been problems, but this is a whole nother level.

Dad says I better tell Soda, or he will. I can't have that, so I go find my boyfriend.

He's sitting on his front steps, smoking a cigarette. Something's wrong. Soda only smokes when something's bugging him or he wants to look tough. It's too late at night for there to be anybody on the street to impress, so I know it's not the latter. He looks up when he hears me.

"Sandy, babe, hey."

I go sit next to him. I really don't want to tell him, especially when he's looking so miserable, so instead of talking, I stall. "What's the matter?"

"Pony's gone." His voice breaks, and I can tell it's taking every ounce of willpower he possesses not to cry.

I'm waiting for a lot of things, but this isn't one of them. "What d'you mean, he's gone?" I remember when he told me his parents died. It was a disturbingly familiar scene. "He isn't-"

"He ain't dead, if that's what you're askin'. He ran away."

I can't believe it. I know how much Ponyboy means to him. You know the saying close as brothers? Well they bring a whole new meaning to it. They're closer than brothers. I don't think you can have one without the other. "I'm so sorry, honey."

He shrugs. "I don't wanna talk about it right now. How about you? Why're you here?"

I can't answer him. I can't.

I'm saved by Darry coming out of the house. "Soda-" He pauses when he sees me. "Sandy. Hi."

"Hi, Darry."

"I'll leave you two alone." He turns to go, then he looks at me more carefully. He sees the way my shirt pulls tighter at the middle. He knows it's not because I'm getting fat. It all clicks in his head.

I try to head the whole thing off at the pass. Soda doesn't deserve any more. "Darry, look, it isn't his fault-"

"Sodapop Patrick." I've never seen Darry so angry. "What the _**hell**_ did you do?"

He looks between us, then it clicks in his head too. "Darry - I'm sorry-"

"You're sorry? You're sorry?! You think that's gonna cut it this time, Sodapop?! Shit, you've done some pretty brainless things before, but this is a whole nother level, kid! What the hell were you thinking?! Huh?! We can't handle this on top of everthin' else! And she wouldn't be showin' unless it's been a few months, so why the hell didn't you tell us sooner?! Damn it, Sodapop, answer me!"

Soda just sits there, his face blank. He honestly looks like he's in shock.

"You stupid damn idiot. You really are dumb." Darry mutters.

Soda actually flinches at that one. Darry opens his mouth to continue, but I cut him off. I can't let him keep going on like this. Not when he's hurting my Sodapop.

"It wasn't him."

The silence that falls over us is deafening. I never thought that silence could have a sound before, but now I'm realizing that it does.

Soda looks at me, confusion all over his face, like he's sure he heard me wrong. "What? You - you said…"

"I know what I said." This is so damn hard. But it's gotta be done. "I was lying."

"But why- why would you-"

"Soda, I'm sorry, but the baby's not yours. It's someone else's. He doesn't want me or the kid, Soda. He threw me out and told me to handle it myself. I didn't wanna lose you. That's why I lied. But it doesn't matter now anyhow. My folks are sending me to Florida to live with my grandmother. I came here to tell you."

My heart breaks a little at the expression on his face. He honestly looks like I shot him. An agonizing mix of shock and pain and betrayal.

I stand up, but before I can go, he grabs my wrist.

"I'll marry you anyhow."

"What?"

Darry doesn't say anything. Just watches us silently from the doorway. He knows this doesn't have anything to do with him.

"I don't care if the kid ain't mine. I'll marry you anyhow." He fumbles in his pocket and pulls out a ring box. "I was gonna make it official soon anyhow."

"Soda, I deserve to be alone now… you don't need to..." I whisper.

He drops on one knee. "Marry me, Sandy. You don't gotta be by yourself. I love you, and I'll love the kid like it's my own. I'll talk to your dad. I'll find us a nice place to live…"

I pull my wrist away from him. "Soda... no."

"Why not?" He's desperate, pleading. He doesn't wanna lose me.

"It's your life, Soda." I don't want to lose him either, but it wouldn't be fair to do this to him. It was selfish to try to in the first place. I'm crying again, but I can't stop. "I can't let you take the fall for my mistakes. I'm not takin' you down with me. Just let it go. Move on. You're still so young… you got so much ahead of you…"

I don't want to hear his response, so I just walk away.

I look back at the end of the street. Darry's still where he was. Soda's standing there looking so shattered, staring after me. I see his mouth form my name. I just keep going.

I go the Florida and have the baby. A beautiful baby boy. I can already tell he'll look just like Scott. And I can't stand it. So I give him up for adoption. I can't even look at my own son. What kind of a person am I?

I'll tell you what I am: I'm a worthless, selfish whore, just like Scott told me that day. How could I do this to my baby?

How could I do this to the boy I love? My Soda… my golden angel… he always gave me everything. And I lied to him and ripped his heart out and stomped on it. I hate myself. I deserve to die.

A while later, I see Steve Randle in a car at a stoplight. I stop in the middle of the crosswalk. "Steve?"

I see in his eyes what he's going to do a second before he does it. And I welcome it. I deserve it. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live with my mistakes. With what I've done to everybody else.

In the end, I know I'm a coward. I have been my whole life. I've never been able to face up to my mistakes. Own what I've done. Handle the consequences. But this time, I will. I hope Steve finds some comfort in this. He deserves it. His life has been so hard, so many things done to him that he doesn't deserve. If he wants to do this to get revenge for me hurting his best friend, practically his brother, this way, that's fine.

When Steve kills me, I love him more than I've ever loved anyone.

 ** _I'm sure that sucked, but... please review anyway? *makes puppy face and blinks eyes rapidly*_**


End file.
